As fun or relaxing as a friends’ trip might sound, traveling together has a funny way of testing your patience—and frankly, exposing every little crack in the relationship.
In theory, packing your bags and venturing somewhere new should be the perfect opportunity to strengthen your bond with new inside jokes and memories. But even if you enjoy someone’s company for a few hours each weekend, an extended getaway with that same person could easily translate into disaster for a few reasons, Kimberly Horn, EdD, MSW, psychologist and author of Friends Matter, for Life: Harnessing the 8 Tenets of Dynamic Friendship, tells SELF. For one, “travel disrupts our regular routines, and we’re limited in our personal space,” which can amplify those “little quirks” (chronic lateness, nonstop phone use, incessant nagging) you didn’t mind before. Not to mention, what starts as a new, exciting environment can quickly turn into a pressure cooker thanks to that nonstop togetherness, which can cause unspoken tensions to bubble into full-blown resentment.
Without the proper precautions, you might wind up needing a vacation from your vacation (and from the folks who joined you) by the time it’s over—defeating the very purpose of your trip. What often separates an experience filled with unforgettable memories from a White Lotus meltdown, however, comes down to one thing, experts say: setting the right expectations during and throughout your excursion. That way, you don’t return home with fewer friends than you started with.
1. Figure out your “travel style” early on.
Everyone has their own way of traveling. Some people thrive on jam-packed schedules filled with museums, tours, and nonstop activities. Others see vacation as a rare chance to relax and do nothing. According to Joy Harden Bradford, PhD, licensed psychologist and author of Sisterhood Heals: The Transformative Power of Healing in Community, discussing these expectations before you board the plane is key for avoiding tension, resentment, and disappointment.
So a few things to ask yourself (and your pals) include: Do you prefer clubbing and exploring nightlife, or keeping it more low-key and wholesome? Are you the type to wake up at sunrise with a busy day ahead of you or to wander without a plan? And,if your styles differ significantly, would you be down to meet in the middle…or do your own things separately?
And then there’s budget, because nothing derails a friends’ trip faster than mismatched financial habits. Whatever the topic (accommodations, dinner spots, guided tours, or spa days, for instance), “these conversations need to happen on the front end,” Dr. Bradford says, especially if anyone has strong preferences around where to stay or what to do. “Some people just want a place to store their stuff. Other people are like, ‘I’m not doing anything below four stars.’”
2. Pick one “must-do” activity each.
A group trip likely won’t include everything everyone wants, but that’s okay—as long as you have a little compromise. “Have every person name one thing they really want to do,” Dr. Horn suggests, like a specific museum, a scenic hiking trail, or one night of clubbing until 3 a.m. This way, you all get at least one experience you were looking forward to—and, worst case, those who aren’t interested have a built-in opportunity for some alone time, which brings us to our next tip.
3. Don’t be afraid to set micro boundaries.
Getting much-needed space is near-impossible when you’re cramped in a tiny hotel room or doing every activity together…which is why Dr. Horn is all for setting “micro boundaries.”